We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
This classic never gets old . . .
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity