We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.