We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
#TopTip
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*