“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”