Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you need a laugh.. 😅
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.