Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
A roof is a house hat.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
How I’d get arrested…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I can fix him.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*