Weaknesses.
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Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.