Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.