Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.