Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.