Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment