@trumpetcake: Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
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@jonnysun: *stares at phone* why cant i sleep *puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun* oh
@daemonic3: JESUS: [walks on water] JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it's only 40% miracle JESUS: You're killing me, Judas JUDAS: Actually..
@Mr_Kapowski: shipwreck diary day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn't want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me
@aveuaskew: "Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?" Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.