*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
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Morning.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.