Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good