@ilovepie84: Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
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@parkersJoking: [at Dr. appointment] Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet. Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
@chimneyspotter: What do we want? FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE! When do we want it? [Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
@PeachCoffin: When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she'd hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
@kendragaylord: Me: Compassion is my compass. Him: We've been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.