Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.