My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
79.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.