[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: