[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza