Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’