@LeaMehanna: Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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@LeBearGirdle: I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
@johnfreiler: if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
@NourHadidi: The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved. And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car