Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
You Might Also Like
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Bit chilly again tonight.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy