Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Thanks to a fan for this one.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening