Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates