Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.