[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
my dad has had enough
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Yup
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too