[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.