@VerifiedJayy: My gf said "tie me up and do what you want" so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

@polychromatik: I can't stand people who are indirect You know who you are

@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

@GingerHotDish: Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along? Me: Huh? Daughter: Cuz he's just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

@PinkCamoTO: When Germans combine words, we get things like "flutter mouse" and "river horse." When the English do it, we get "jorts."