The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there