*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
You Might Also Like
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.