[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.