Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Terribly Tuesday.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories