My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Banana is the quietest snack
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?