I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER