[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Wait a minute…
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
best review i’ve ever seen
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.