*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures