Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I can’t stop watching this.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Goat cheese is for herders.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.