[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before