[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.