Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem