WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.