@kellyoxford: Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
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@ParentNormal: 3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
@laffytakky: In the past hour I've dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.
@KevinBuffalo: Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
@iAmDelFreaky: Axl Rose: Where do we go? Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now? Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now? Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!