Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.