@mynameshank: WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
@JermHimselfish: I don't understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
@TheDailyEdge: Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"
@lisaxy424: "SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP" I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.