Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee