WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.