@funflaps: I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn't want to

@Spaziotwat: [The Second Coming] Jesus:"People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"

@robotmouthfarts: *Takes leash off feral dad* Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here. *Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes* BAD DAD! BAD!

@MCaparco: "A Vegan...like Mr. Spock?" "No mom...that's a Vulcan."

@OldUncleDaveO: If you are having anxiety over something you've said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.