@SherBoBer: WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!
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@QwertyJones3: [vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@Jerrypleasure: [RESTAURANT] Her : I like kids (To impress her) Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I'm his father
@VerbsRProudest: Taking a nap now. If you're tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn't always mean we should.