Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
You Might Also Like
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!