WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
felt that
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all