@ChipKellysBalls: WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
@randygdub: trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business
@_little_old_me: My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
@friendly_moon: [hostage situation] Any last words? "Nah, I'm good." If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you're prayers. "You are prayers. Lol."