@robdelaney: .@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
@BlindChow: [takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?
@Amburglar_: When asked by the creepy guy at the bar "Why aren't you smiling?" my go-to answer is always "My yeast infection really is bubbling up."