.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*