WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
You Might Also Like
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.