@mugkip: WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
@RtrJan: My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
@Jake_Vig: PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part? ME: Well, now you made it weird.