WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
How do dragons blow out candles?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
We’re all getting idioter.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean